A Beginning Disguised as an Ending

Dear Not So Secret Diary,

The last time I wrote in you I was a hopeful, naïve 13 year old with the world as her oyster. Now I’m a 30 year young co parenting mother who is struggling to hold on but also refusing to quit. For years, people saw my potential and bragged about heights I had never even dreamed about. They technically spoke life over me, but I couldn’t feel any of it. Not because it wasn’t real, but because I didn’t know how to access that version of me. Unfortunately, I settled into fear since faith was so much scarier. That was until loss, grief, and solitude cracked everything wide open.

The Shattering

In the 17 years since we have talked there has been a lot but July 2021- Dec 2021 was the roughest six months of my life. I experienced rejection, grief, and betrayal. I moved into my first solo apartment and had a car accident. Life was heavy. I have never been the type of person who was brave enough to commit suicide but if God allowed a hole to appear in the ground I would've gladly walked through it. I had poured so much of myself into others; I was left with nothing but dark nights and stillness. The beautiful golden lining to stillness is it allows the opportunity for you to hear God's voice. I had known God my whole life but this felt like Him reintroducing himself to me.

The Mirror of Motherhood

As an adult, all of the things I went through was pretty rough by themselves. However the real hard part? Being a mother in the middle of it all. My daughter still needed me when I barely had anything to give. On top of that she saw it all. She saw me broken, defeated, and hopeless. She experienced my emotional immaturity, self hate, and unaccountability. Knowing how I was affecting her was enough to make me want to just give up. Regardless, I am still an adult and this was my first time experiencing these events with me being in charge. So I took a couple of months off just to allow myself the freedom to process all of my emotions then I decided it was time to make a change. The best place to start at was with my daughter. She was a mirror but also a turning point. To be a superhero mother for her meant I had to be a better person to myself.

The Wrestling with God

Becoming a better person looked different than I originally thought. Instead of self care, bubble baths, and massages, I spent weeks in a dark closet, screaming. Yelling scriptures I’d heard all my life, asking God why. Why me? Why now? What was the point of all this pain? My favorite part about that whole experience? God was patient, soft, and gentle with me. He didn’t interrupt me. He didn’t correct me. He stayed. This was my first time understanding what it meant to be in His presence. I gave Him all of my emotional warfare until I was finally empty. Once everything was out, I sat in the silence and that was when God started calling me. Softly. Consistently. He wanted His child. He knew who I was but He also knew who He had destined for me to be and he wasn't giving up on me.

The Becoming

Reviewing everything I can understand why you would want to feel sorry for me. However I see July 2021 as the beginning. The beginning of Becoming. The beginning of New. The beginning of Freedom. I wasn’t trying to “bounce back.” I wasn’t chasing the old me. I was building from the ground up, but this time I was building on a foundation that couldn't be shaken. Everything I went through lead me to being exactly where I am now. I am on a walk with Jesus. I am on a walk with my daughter. I am also on a walk with myself. I quit focusing on the "end" when I realized I would never get there if I didn't learn the lessons the journey was providing. So this is me living my life out loud.

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Warm Hugs,

Capree