She's a Runner. She's a Trackstar: Learning the Difference between Running Away and Running Forward

Dear Not So Secret Diary,

For a long time, I was a runner.

I had been running for so long that I didn’t even realize I was running.

This wasn't even the good kind of running: the kind where you wake up slowly, breathe deeply, stretch gently, and then jog alongside the rising sun.

No. This was the exhausting kind.

The kind where you’re terrified, lost in the woods, tripping over roots and rocks, surrounded by darkness, and haunted by monsters you've never fully faced.

The moment I finally recognized that I was running, I saw everything clearly:

I wasn’t running towards anything.

I was running away.

Away from my problems.

Away from Family. Friends. Co-workers. Even my child.

The act of constantly fleeing filled my nervous system with anxiety, mistrust, tension, and deep self-neglect.

The weight of it all finally became unbearable.

And yet, somehow, I still didn’t know how to stop running away or even just turn around and move forward.

Yes, that's it.....changing direction was the hardest.

So instead of rushing into something new just to avoid the past, I did something unfamiliar.

I stopped, breathed, and listened.

I paused long enough to start feeling again.

That's when the slow, painful process of unpacking began.

Unraveling my emotions.

Checking in with my body.

Taking inventory of my surroundings, my thoughts, and most importantly: my heart.

Everything (and I mean everything) needed to be reexamined.

Maybe the dry, cracked earth under my feet wasn’t cursed at all.

Maybe it was soil (untouched and forgotten) just waiting to be watered.

Maybe the random puddles weren’t just messes to avoid but dried-up rivers, longing for the tears I hadn’t allowed myself to cry.

Maybe the silence wasn’t abandonment but space I was finally allowed to fill with truth.

Maybe the fog was protection, giving me just enough clarity to focus on the next small step.

Once I did the inner work (once the pieces began to make sense) I felt clarity settle in.

And from that place of healing, I began to move again.

However, this time I was going to move with intention.

This time I was going to move forward.

I don’t have all the answers.

I don’t know every path.

I can’t even name every emotion in the moment I feel it.

I do have something I didn’t have before: a system.

A way to pause and ask,

Am I running forward or am I slipping back into old patterns?

That awareness changes everything.

Since changing direction was the hardest for me it was time to ask myself an important question: What Does It Mean to Run Forward?

The first thing I noticed is running forward isn’t about speed; it’s about direction.

Running forward is about waking up in the same woods you once feared, but noticing that the trees aren’t as threatening when the sun rises through the branches.

It’s feeling the earth beneath your feet, not as something to escape, but something solid enough to hold you.

It’s no longer tripping over every root and rock, but learning to watch your steps, to pace yourself, and to move with care.

It’s realizing the path isn't perfect, but it's yours. And that by itself makes it worth walking.

If you’re in a season where you’re figuring that out too, I want to give you something to help guide the journey.

The Becoming Welcome Package includes the first chapter of Art of Becoming, affirmation cards, and a reflection journal to help you reconnect with yourself and the path ahead.

Because becoming isn’t about moving faster.

It’s about moving with intention.

Download the Becoming Welcome Package and start your next step here.

Warm Hugs,

Capree'